Kids And Exs: 5 Tips For Blended Families

When you marry someone who has children, you are signing up for interacting with the whole family. If the kids are young, child support and custody issues can present stressful situations that are challenging, at best. If the kids are grown, they will still have to be considered for family events, which can be even more ticklish.

There are things you can do to try to ease the tension. They aren't always easy, but they could pay off in the long run. Here are 5 suggestions:

1. Get to know your lover's ex. Meet in a neutral place, and get to know each other. You don't have to try to become best friends, or explain your attachment to your new lover. You should, however listen with courtesy and respect to the first spouse's concerns. You will seem like less of a threat if you show early on that you don't have hostility towards your lover's ex.

2. Gradually include her kids in your life. No matter their ages, They are struggling with the fact that their parents are no longer in the same family unit. If their folks have been divorced for a long time, this may not be true. However, if the divorce is recent, feelings are probably still raw, and your presence is not accepted universally as a good thing. No matter what a wonderful human being you know yourself to be, your lover's kids will see you as an interloper if you suddenly insist on being a large part of their lives.

If you take it slowly and give them time to adjust, they will be more likely to accept your presence. In fact, with a little space, the kids of the previous marriage may even be able to see you as a positive addition to their family circle.

3. Stay out of family fights. If the kids are angry with each other, try not to take sides. Even if it is obvious who is right and who isn't, you will only make an enemy if you choose between them. Siblings will likely forgive each other eventually. However, the one who received your disapproval will remember you in a negative light even when the original controversy is forgotten.

4. Don't be nasty to your lover's ex. No doubt, you have heard what a creep the ex is, and that may be the case. However, you are only hearing one side of the story, and if you react to what you've heard by treating the spouse in a hostile manner, you aren't making things easier for your lover, yourself or his kids. What you hear from your lover about his ex should not color your reactions to her. You can have your own take on someone without sharing your feelings. Since what you think probably won't improve an already tense situation, you are much better off to keep your thoughts to yourself.

5. Help and encourage your lover to obey her divorce decree. Don't suggest that visitation with the other parent be withheld. Include his child support in your budget. The duty to support children should be treated as a business debt. It won't change anything if you call the electric company and complain that your utilities are too much. It also won't make things less tense if you complain about the cost of your partner's kids, or gripe about their behavior and manners when you spend time with them.

Divorce is not over once the decree is entered. A judge can rule on the parties' legal issues, but he can not make friends out of enemies, or mature adults from childish ones. A new person is stuck with the situation as she finds it, and there is very little she can do to change things. She can, however, make things less tense if she moves slowly and doesn't let her own feelings interfere with her involvement in the family's new dynamics.

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen