Divorce: The Step Parent You Hate Could Be An Important Part Of Your Child's Life

After the divorce, where the kids live is still an emotional issue. Parents feel special grief and stress when a new person enters the picture as a significant other to the ex-spouse. Of course, there is often left over hostility from the divorce, but there is also genuine fear of the new person's place in the child's life.

Too often, the new lover is well aware that he is a replacement for the ex. Consequently, he is defensive and territorial about his place in his lover's life. He is likely to insert himself in the lover's interaction with her ex, and add to what is already a tense parenting relationship.

When this happens, several things can follow. The kids sense that the significant other has created a wedge between the parents, and can maximize their power. They can make false reports about the new adult to win the sympathy of their other parent, making the relationship with the ex and the new person harder to negotiate.

The child can forge an alliance with the new person, and leave his other parent out in the cold. After all, the new significant other is trying to endear herself to her lover's kids, and might be presenting herself as a more understanding and liberal authority. Teenagers are especially vulnerable to such blandishments, as they often already feel tied down and misunderstood.

Thus, it is important that the parents, and their new friends and lovers take care to understand the dynamics of their situation, and work together to keep the adults in control. These tips should help.

1. All of the adults must demand to be treated with courtesy and respect. Children should understand that bad manners are unacceptable, no matter how they feel towards the adult in question. This is not an invitation to physical violence on the adult's part. However, stern reminders and firm consequences should result when the child is rude, mean or to use the common phrase, "snotty". The child may not like being forced to be polite, but if the message is consistent, and the rewards for courtesy are greater than those for bad behavior, he will eventually accept the rules and be comfortable abiding by them.

2. The adults should enforce the child's obligation to be courteous to each other, no matter how they actually feel. You may not like your partner's new honey, and she may wish you'd get hit by a truck. However, using your kids to make this point is just cruel and stupid. It is never good for a child to feel unwelcome in his parent's home.

If your son or daughter visits his other parent with the idea that he is being disloyal to you by being kind to the lover of the other, he will be under a lot of stress, and will not be as able to maintain a positive bond with the other parent. His visits will be viewed as necessary but dreadful interludes instead of the joyful, healthy occasions and times to share that they should be. It may be hard to keep your real feelings about your ex's lover to yourself, but your child should feel that it is all right to get to know the new person, and be comfortable making friends with him.

3. The significant other should never have to discipline the child. He does not have to tolerate rude or nasty behavior, and has the right to respond accordingly. However, decisions and actions regarding the child's schooling, friendships, or responsibilities, either in the home, school or church are best left to his parents. The parent and her partner should discuss their expectations privately, and the parent should enforce the rules decided upon. The new partner should not have to rear the child, and there will be much less family tension if he is not forced to do so.

If the adults keep the situation from being anymore awkward than necessary, children will be better able to adjust when a new lover becomes part of the family. It may be tempting to enlist a child's help in getting revenge against your ex by encouraging the child to be rude and difficult to your ex's new partner. However, it is the child who will have to live with the fall out, and the results can be traumatic. If the child is encouraged to acquaint himself with your ex's new partner, and even try to become friends, his adjustment to the new situation will be healthier, and make his life a lot easier.

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen